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  CONTENTS

  Epigraph

  — APRIL 2015 —

  It’s About Time

  Gone But Never Forgotten

  Tenth Child

  Premiere

  Birthday Girl

  Training Day

  Silent Dancing

  You and Me

  Daily Prayer

  The Hair Twirlers

  Finding Ora

  One Thing I Really Miss

  Each Parent Got a Book

  Life Sucks Without Bread

  Louie Anderson Is Dead

  No Family Feud

  That’s Somebody’s Baby

  If There Are Cheeseheads in Bucharest, Blame Me

  Who, Me?

  I Am Christine

  My First Lady

  Thank You, Brother

  Truth Ranger

  New Year’s Eve! (Minus the Booze)

  — 2016 —

  Yes Man

  Podcasts and Home

  That Was Your Baby, Mom

  A Moment I Think I Wish I Hadn’t Missed Followed by One I’m So Happy I Didn’t

  Life Is Funny

  Comedian? Movie Star? Leader of the Free World?

  Make Your Date

  Sweet Lisa

  Big Shot

  Stranger Things

  Stand-Up People

  Nominee

  You Gave Away a Child, or Two

  Midwesterners

  70% Disabled, Pending 100%

  Penguin Costume Time

  I Don’t Have to Smile Like I’m Happy for Someone Else!

  Note to Thomas Wolfe: You Never Actually Leave Home

  My TV Family

  Big & Beautiful

  Older

  Full Moon

  Life Is a Performance, Old Chum

  Seduce, Exploit, Abandon

  — 2017 —

  Jesus Calling

  What Are We Waiting For?

  I Miss Them All

  Fat Camp

  MyWorld

  Family Peace

  Hat Day

  Doing What We Shouldn’t, Not Doing What We Should

  Big Underwear

  When It Rains, It Pours

  12-Step

  Fellowship

  It’s Your Faults, Mom

  Writers Need Deadlines

  This Book Is Not About You, Dad, Except When It Is

  Reunion

  Season 3

  The Sorrow Sparrow

  Defending Champ

  The Day You Died

  To Everyone Who Is a Mom or Had a Mom

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  To all moms

  Ora Zella Anderson

  I’m your mother. Do you know what that means? Does it mean anything to you?

  —Christine Baskets

  The first words out of my mom’s mouth at a restaurant: “Could we get some extra butter, please?”

  Maître d’: “Well, let us seat your party first, ma’am.”

  —

  My mom will go to any garage sale. She’ll stop no matter what.

  “Pull over, Louie, that looks like a good sale.”

  “So we’re leaving the funeral procession?”

  “Well, he’s not going anywhere.”

  If my mom could come back from the beyond, I’m pretty sure she would stop at a garage sale before she came to see me.

  —

  My mom was the sweetest person in the world but she was a thief. You always knew what she was going to steal. At a restaurant, she’d point out the item she was going to take. She’d say, “Louie, aren’t these cute salt-and-pepper shakers?”

  “I’ll see them when I get home.”

  Then my brother got caught shoplifting. My mom said, “Where’d he get an idea like that?”

  “I don’t know, Mom, should we look at the salt-and-pepper wall? You’re one shaker from a felony.”

  —

  She drove in the imaginary lane.

  “What are we doing over here, Mom?”

  “Well, no one’s in it.”

  “You’re the worst driver in the world.”

  “I’ve never had an accident.”

  “Yeah, but how many have you caused?”

  —

  We had eleven kids in our family. I was tenth of eleven. I just slid out. I was home from the hospital before she was. I was waiting at the door. “I’m starving!”

  — APRIL 2015 —

  It’s About Time

  Hey Mom!

  I already talk about you a lot but lately I’ve been speaking to you directly, too, so I figured it was time I wrote. I often wonder how you’re doing. Is there an afterlife? Heaven? That’s the million-dollar question. Or billion-dollar question. Or in this day and age, I guess the trillion-dollar question. A million’s not even a million anymore. A million was really a million back in your day, Mom.

  I could say I’m writing now to tell you about this great role I got in a great TV show, which just got “picked up,” in which I play a mom—that’s right, Mom, a mom, not a dad—of four grown sons, and the character is so much like you! Her name is Christine Baskets and playing her comes so naturally because I keep channeling you. What would Mom say? What would Mom do? What would Ora Zella Anderson do?

  So of course I want to let the inspiration for the character know about it, even if she died a quarter-century ago.

  But that’s not the only reason I feel the need to write. I have so many questions and so many things I’ve been meaning to say to you. Stuff that’s on my mind a lot, and I wanted to get it down someplace. There were questions I neglected to ask Dad when he was still around but that’s easier to explain. There were so many things he wouldn’t talk about. He was angry, an angry alcoholic. Sometimes I just didn’t want to be around him, and neither did any of your other ten children.

  But why didn’t I ask you the things I want to ask you now, back when I had the chance? You had no trouble talking, Mom. “Blah, blah, blah,” Dad said many times about your “going on.” I’m so much more like you than him, in that way. You never yelled or punished or expressed disappointment, only love. Sometimes I wish you’d been harder, more disapproving. Maybe you were and I didn’t notice. Anyway, it kills me that I didn’t ask you a bunch of things I think about more and more these days.

  I often think about childhood and our family and the things that make us who we are. I’ve always thought about that stuff. You know this, Mom, but so much of my comedy act over the years has been based on our family, and you, and what growing up was like. That was a lot of my best material, still is. As a young comic, I mostly made fat jokes at my own expense, or maybe I should say I did lots of fat jokes about this fat character I played onstage (though I played a fat person offstage, too). That was the common denominator. But it’s come to be less of my act. Maybe it’s because I don’t see myself anymore as a fat person but a person who happens to be fat.

  Anyway, you were still around when I was doing material about family and it always got laughs, but then I got a little darker and maybe more real with it, and got some of the biggest laughs of the set. A different kind of laugh. It opened up something in me and I started digging. Roman DiCaire, an older comedian I admired and who saw me perform, told me, “Louie, i
f you do that material about your family and have a completely clean act, you’ll be famous.” I lacked direction then and I was looking for someone to tell me something. He turned out to be 100 percent right. Decades later, Mom, I make jokes about the family, and they land, and land hard, because they’re so true for everyone, though I still think our family was way more screwed up than most. “A stress test—you know what that is? It’s where you have your whole family over to the house.” Stuff like that often gets the most unguarded laugh of the night.

  So here I am, Mom, on the verge of basically playing you for a national TV audience, with the pursed lips, the disapproving judgmental glances—in the nicest way—that I picked up from you. You know that side glance that could say a million things—Don’t do that, Put that down, What are you doing? Don’t make us look bad, Oh, Louie . . . ? That’s there.

  Yet even though I understand some things about you and me, I want to understand more.

  Which brings me to tonight, Sunday night, this hotel suite desk, in Room 117—eleven and seven, two good numbers if you’re from Las Vegas, Mom, which is where I now live—of the Hilton Garden Inn in Erie, Pennsylvania, having just come from finishing my sixth show in four days (one show Thursday night, two each Friday and Saturday nights, and tonight’s), my fifty-eighth comedy set of the year. I’m writing to tell you about how it’s going, and keeping you even more alive with me. I have so much to report, about so many things, some good stuff, some not so good. But it’s a lot, and who knows, maybe one day it will all turn into a book. If it does, I know what I want to call it: Hey Mom, because so many times since you’ve been gone I’ve looked up and said out loud, “Hey Mom, what do you think of this?”

  “Hey Mom, get a load of this guy!”

  “Hey Mom, how’d I get into this mess?”

  “Hey Mom, what am I doing with my life?”

  I think we all do a subconscious “Hey Mom” a lot of the time. I guess I must believe in the afterlife if I’m writing to you and I talk to you and my face is always turned up to the sky. If there is an afterlife, I hope there’s a big comfortable chair, because I know you like that, and good creamer for your coffee, and a TV showing old reruns.

  The last time I had a moment like this, where I absolutely needed to write down what was on my mind, was 1987, when I was touring the Midwest and doing Summerfest in Milwaukee. Thousands and thousands of people were taking in the different acts, drinking beer, eating bratwurst. When my set was over, I wanted to head back to the hotel, so I got a lift from a festival volunteer. I climbed into the back seat of the car—a Buick. Mom, you always loved Buicks, such big beautiful cars. All around us were so many drunks wobbling and staggering to their cars, then getting into their cars and trying to avoid hitting other drunks. My first thought was amazement at the inner gyroscope of drunks, how the alcohol takes over and they look like they’re going to fall over but somehow they don’t—amazing! A lot of them, mostly men, made wrestling noises. Ooo! OOOOO!

  But I had a bigger thought: The whole scene was a metaphor for my life, me swerving and trying to avoid the damage that alcohol did to me, did to all of us, does to all kinds of people. That it did to you, Mom, though you yourself hated to drink. As soon as I got to my room at the Pfister Hotel, a beautiful old hotel in Milwaukee that’s supposedly haunted, I sat down at the desk, just like I’m doing here with you, and I wrote a letter to Dad. He was already seven years dead at that point, and it all just spilled out of me, letter after letter in my journal, and I kept writing, and crying, in search of some better understanding, any understanding, for why Louis William Anderson was such a cruel, difficult alcoholic father. Those letters eventually got collected into a book, Dear Dad: Letters from an Adult Child, that you got to see, Mom, but just barely, because you died without warning a few months later.

  Like I said, so much has happened since then, and I want to keep you up-to-date. I wish you had seen the professional success I’ve enjoyed in the twenty-five years since you died. You deserve a lot of the credit, partly because I talk so much about you and the family in my act, partly because of the reservoir of love and kindness you doled out to me and to all of us, which gave me the strength to not quit. Because you never quit, never gave up, never gave in, always put one foot in front of the other. In a couple years it will be forty years for me as a stand-up comic. A clown, really, but a clown who’s making good money. Can you believe that, Mom? Forty! Anyway, I could not have gotten this far in my career if I gave up easily. Dad was also stubborn. All us Andersons are. We won’t give in, we won’t give up, we won’t even take care of ourselves.

  There are other things I wish. I wish I would have had you come live with me later in life. I wish I’d been more open to the idea. I know you would have adored that. I would have, too, eventually. I was selfish then, much more than I think—I hope—I am now. I wish I would have done it and I’m glad to say it here even though it’s too late. I also know we have to let go of regrets or it drags us through the mud for all the things we didn’t do.

  I need to tell you about the family—but it’s late and I’m wiped out from the show, so I’ll say good night for now. I’ll write tomorrow.

  Love,

  Louie

  Gone But Never Forgotten

  Hey Mom,

  So there are five Anderson kids left, Mom, which I’m really sorry to say means that six of us have passed away since you left us. Or maybe you know that. Are things getting more complete up there, wherever you are, as each of your children joins you? Or does each one make you sadder, because they’ve left us, here? That’s how you were, Mom—you would have thought of us, not yourself. Will it only be complete when we’re all up there? I hope there’s no fighting there. I hope there’s enough butter. I hope there’s enough love. “Enough love”—there’s a strange idea. A mistaken idea. Love’s a constant. That’s a hard lesson to learn.

  And—here’s a small thing—do I even believe that stuff about the afterlife and heaven? Or is it just that I want to?

  Those of us still here—Jimmy, Shanna, Lisa, little Tommy, and me—are very close. We don’t see each other as much as we should but we’re close. I live in Las Vegas, Mom—I know you always liked Vegas, the buffets, the big hotels, the free giveaways, coming to town with two suitcases, one of them empty, and leaving with both full—and my remaining two sisters and two brothers live in the Midwest: Minnesota, Wisconsin, South Dakota. I visit Minnesota ten or twelve times a year. Altogether, there are more than fifty Anderson nephews and nieces, great-nephews and nieces, and great-great-nephews and nieces. I really should get an exact count. A lot of them have escaped the family curse, fortunately, but DNA runs deep, and more than a few have been through drug abuse and other addictions.

  Can you believe it’s 2015, Mom? That used to sound like a year from science fiction. “2015 and beyond . . .” But here we are. Can you believe I’m still alive, considering all the crap I’ve done, the risks I’ve taken, the lifestyle I’ve lived? Things are really different now. You would be so thrilled and also so damn disappointed, especially with how people treat each other.

  Am I jumping around too much in my letters? It’s no different from how we used to talk, you and me. The mind wanders when it’s never totally satisfied. But I guess that’s kind of self-evident, right?

  At some point, I’ll write to you about the day you died, though I don’t know if you even want to hear it. But I will get to it. I’m finding new reservoirs of strength. I really love you and miss you and wish I would have been nicer to you. Did I say that yesterday? Does everyone say they wish they were nicer to their mom or dad after it’s too late? I hope everyone remembers to call their mom and dad and say “I love you” because you never know. When I would call and do that with Dad, he wouldn’t respond to me, he would just yell at you, “What the hell’s wrong?! He’s saying he loves me and he loves you! Get on the phone and find out if he’s in jail!”

  Everyone should tell the people they love that they love th
em, at all times, because you never know. You always said that, Mom: “You never know.” I wish you were alive right now, no matter how old you’d be. I just turned fifty, twelve years ago! No, I don’t like saying my age. I got your vain streak. I wish I would have got more of your nice streak because you were the nicest person I ever met or knew. I got more of Dad’s mean streak than I’d like, his sneer and judgmental way, though I’ve worked on that a lot. (“I hate that guy!” he’d say. “But you don’t even know the guy,” I’d say. “I don’t have to know him to hate him!” he’d say.) I was going to say I also got Dad’s addictive personality but maybe it was yours, too, Mom, because I know you loved food. I’ve had trouble with drinking, drugs, gambling, and especially food. I survived the drugs, gambling, and drinking. I quit smoking fifteen years ago. But I’m still working on the food.

  Oh yeah: I’m addicted to laughs and applause, too. I love them. No calories yet very filling! The better the show, the less I eat afterward. True.

  I’m looking forward to playing you more on TV. It’ll be a treat and I know you’d get a big kick out of it. I’ll try to write again tomorrow.

  Night, Mom.

  Love,

  Louie

  P.S. Say hi to Kent, Rhea, Roger, Mary, Sheila, and Billy. Say hi to Dad, if he’s there. I hope there’s no drinking up there, Mom.

  Young Louie

  Tenth Child

  Hey Mom,

  It’s me again, your tenth child, Louie, Louis Perry Anderson, as it states on my birth certificate, born March 24, 1953, at Ancker Hospital in St. Paul, Minnesota. Fatty Arbuckle’s birthday. (I didn’t know that then because I was just a baby.) You and Dad named me Louis after Dad, right? I mean, I’m not a Jr., because his and my middle names are different. But here’s what I don’t get: Why wait until the tenth kid and the fifth son before using Dad’s name? Why not the firstborn male? Why eighteen years after you first became parents? I know my middle name is for your brother, Mom. You always talked so lovingly about Perry. Perry Prouty. I bet he got tortured over that name.